The Myth of Emotional Control: Why "No One Can Make You Feel Without Your Permission" Is Flawed
Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any physical or mental disorder. This is not a substitute for treatment from a licensed mental health professional.
As a psychologist, I've encountered countless self-help mantras and psychological catchphrases. One that's gained particular traction is the idea that "no one can make you feel an emotion without your permission." While this concept aims to empower individuals, it oversimplifies the complex nature of human emotions and can actually hinder our healing journey by blaming the victim.
Let's break this down:
Our nervous systems are wired for connection
Humans are inherently social creatures. Our nervous systems are designed to respond to others, a trait crucial for our survival and evolution. This means we're constantly picking up on emotional cues from those around us, often subconsciously.
2. Trauma responses are not a choice
For those who've experienced trauma, certain triggers can evoke immediate emotional responses. These reactions stem from deeply ingrained neural pathways formed during traumatic experiences. They're not about "giving permission" – they're automatic survival mechanisms.
3. Emotions serve a purpose
Emotions, even uncomfortable ones, exist for a reason. They provide valuable information about our experiences and needs. Believing we should always control our emotions can lead to suppression and denial, which often exacerbates psychological distress.
4. The role of mirror neurons
Our brains contain mirror neurons that allow us to empathize and connect with others. These neurons can cause us to "catch" emotions from those around us, a phenomenon known as emotional contagion. This process occurs below the level of conscious awareness.
5. Cultural and societal influences
We don't exist in a vacuum. Our emotional responses are shaped by cultural norms, societal expectations, and collective experiences. These factors influence our emotions in ways that often bypass our conscious control.
6. The impact of physical health
Our emotional states are intimately connected to our physical well-being. Factors like sleep deprivation, hormonal imbalances, or chronic pain can significantly affect our emotional landscape, often without our "permission."
Instead of striving for complete emotional control, a more helpful approach is to:
Cultivate awareness of our emotional responses
Practice self-compassion when experiencing difficult emotions
Develop healthy coping mechanisms for managing intense feelings
Recognize the interconnectedness of our emotions with our environment and relationships
Remember, the goal isn't to control every emotion, but to respond to our feelings with wisdom and self-understanding. By acknowledging the complex nature of our emotional experiences, we open the door to true healing and growth.
To start your own journey to get to know your own internal landscape more deeply and develop compassion for all your parts, reach out for an appointment with Dr. Bartholomew today!
